Actors Most in Need of a New Agent

Today is June 21, the first day of summer, or in other words - the summer solstice. Ah yes, solstice. My dictionary advises me a solstice is 1.) The two times of the year when the sun is at its greatest distance from the celestial equator and 2.) A highest point or culmination. A highest point, you say? There are many actors and actresses in Hollywood who have hit what would seem to be their highest point and/or culmination and now seem incapable of re-attaining this point. Does it have to be this way? Gosh darn it, I don't think so. I just think they have the wrong people representing them. And today - on the summer solstice - I will name a few of them. This is not to poke fun or criticize but merely to confirm they have the necessary talent and should they dump their respective agents counseling them to accept roles for "money" and "what my sources tell me are potentially awesome box office returns" that talent can burn once again with the amazing heat of the first day of summer.


-Cuba Gooding Jr. There is a little-known rule set forth by the Academy of Motion Pictures & Sciences many years ago that stipulates if an actor or actress has not made a film resembling decent within 10 years of winning his or her Oscar, they must return that Oscar to the Academy. It’s so little-known in fact that any Academy member you interrogate will deny its very existence. But I’m mentioning it because Cuba Gooding Jr. won his Oscar in March of 1997 which means the 10 year anniversary of that date is right around the corner. And tragically movies such as “Boat Trip”, “Rat Race”, and (gulp) “Snow Dogs” do not resemble decent. This guy has got to be getting better offers than “Snow Dogs”. Doesn’t he? Who’s his agent and how soon can we kick him out the door? I don’t want to see the Academy’s little-known rule enforced for only the second time. (Oh, Whoopi Goldberg will claim the Academy never took back her Oscar but get yourself invited to her house and tell me if you see one anywhere.) And so unless Cuba gets it in gear and lands himself a real role, that Oscar could be taken down off the mantle. What agent’s going to heed the call of the once great Rod Tidwell?

-Mark Ruffalo. This is absolutely not a knock on Mr. Ruffalo, who I think is one of the finest actors of his generation. His skill is unquestioned. His performance in “You Can Count on Me” was the best performance given by any male that year. The problem is why isn’t he in more movies such as “You Can Count on Me”? He was fantastic in a bit part in “Collateral” and even in a movie like “13 Going on 30” he exudes talent and charisma. So what’s going on? Huh?! HUH?! WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU, HOLLYWOOD?! DO YOU NEED A SMACK IN THE HEAD OR SOMETHING?! NO MORE SUPPORTING ROLES FOR THIS GUY, OKAY?! NO MORE ROMANTIC COMEDIES! GIVE THIS GUY A REAL ROLE, DAMN IT! GIVE THIS GUY MULTIPLE REAL ROLES! YOU WOULDN’T SEND DEREK JETER UP TO THE PLATE WITH A STICK FROM A DYING MAPLE TREE, WOULD YOU?! ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

-Kate Beckinsale. Admittedly, there’s not that much in Kate Beckinsale’s arsenal that would prompt hard-hitting agents to think she owned the requisite skill to justify taking her on as a client. “Van Helsing” put me to sleep in the theater (literally). “Pearl Harbor” was, well, “Pearl Harbor”. I myself am a committed devotee of “Serendipity” but I doubt most people share of my views of that film. Yet, in spite of all this Cinema Romantico is betting that Beckinsale is next the Julianne Moore. Moore toiled for years in soap operas and in dreck like “Assassins” and “Nine Months”. But once she started landing real roles she showed off some serious acting chops and has become one of our finest actresses. But directors had to take a chance on Moore. That was the key. I would take the chance on Beckinsale myself but Paramount won’t return my calls. So who’s it gonna’ be? Show some guts, potential agents. And blog-readers, I ask you remember who called it when it happens.

-Kate Hudson. This one is primarily to satisfy my curiosity. Which is the real Kate Hudson? The one who shone so amazingly brightly as band-aid Penny Lane in Cameron Crowe’s utter masterpiece “Almost Famous”? Or the one who “graced” cinemas with “Raising Helen”? The problem is that she hasn’t landed a role comparable to Penny Lane since. Will someone give her a halfway-decent role so I can get an answer to my question? Please?

-Elisabeth Shue. See directly above except substitute "Leaving Las Vegas" for "Almost Famous". Had she won the Oscar for "Leaving Las Vegas" (and she was certainly deserving) she too would be in danger of having it reneged.