It turned out that she was merely splitting with her longtime manager while also taking a hiatus from recording music to focus on acting. She was featured last year in the much lauded "Holy Motors" but she was also featured last year in the much reviled "Jack & Diane", a film which I suppose I should see on account of being a Kylie-ite. Then again, I still have not seen "Bio-Dome" (and have no immediate plans to do so). Thus, I thought it a fine time to offer Ms. Minogue a few suggestions on how to proceed in her burgeoning cinematic career, to avoid the "Swept Aways" of Madonna and the "Battleships" of Rhianna.
5 Movie Roles For Kylie Minogue
1. A remake of Roger Vadim's 1968 camp classic "Barbarella" as written and directed by Quentin Tarantino and starring Kylie as, well, obviously.
2. Kylie, playing herself, or perhaps playing a character like herself, perhaps named Ana-Maria, plays a show for some charitable cause in a remote town in the northern territory of Australia but is unable to get out before The Wet arrives, flooding the roads and leaving her no choice but to wait out the rains. Now, at this point the film can go one of two ways, both of which we will need to discuss with Kylie, her agent and her entourage. 1.) It becomes a wacky but endearing comedy (think: "The Dish") in which Kylie, or Ana-Maria, bonds with the locals and helps them re-evaluate their lives even as they help her re-evaluate her life. 2.) It becomes a modern day companion piece to the infamous "Wake in Fright" in which Kylie, or Ana-Maria, is enveloped and then terrorized by the locals.
3. "She's the Man" meets "Ben Hur"! Kylie disguises herself as a male to become the best chariot driver in all of Rome! When her identity is revealed just before the Big Race against the Emperor's favored chariot driver (Will Arnett) she goes out and beats him anyway and then leads of all Rome in the new-fangled Dionysus Dance Craze!!!
4. Kylie stars as Brianna Goodine, judge on a reality talent show called CROON. It transforms into a hard-hitting exposé of reality TV as Brianna suffers a mental breakdown and goes all Peter-Finch-In-"Network" on the season finale.
5. Disney decides to center its new "Star Wars" movie around the Cantina at Mos Eisley where Kylie plays a nightclub singer who has emigrated from Nar Shaddaa, the Smuggler's Moon. After an opening, action-packed prologue in which she escapes from Jabba's palace after being imprisoned as a Leia-ish dancer, she clashes with her manager (Gerard Depardieu), romances a smuggler (Paul Bettany) and is to illegal pod races in the desert what Joan Allen is to "Death Race."