Saturday, June 29, 2013

My Favorite Movie Was Made Into A TV Show


FADE IN

INT. GREEN MONSTER – CONTROL ROOM 

An ADMIRAL in a sharkskin suit enters the primary control room of The Green Monster, a studio located in a bunker deep in the Hollywood Hills that is capable of green-lighting terrible ideas in a maximum 7.5 seconds - quicker than any production studio before. The Admiral bows before the GRAND CHANCELLOR.

ADMIRAL 
We have secured the rights to LAST OF THE MOHICANS. 

Two SUITED UP DUDES enter with NICK PRIGGE, whose hands are bound, dressed in jeans and an indie band tee shirt. Years earlier, in the face of a remake epidemic, Nick secured the rights to FROM HERE TO ETERNITY to ward off any potential remakes featuring Jessica Simpson in the Donna Reed role. The Green Monster wants these rights. 

NICK
Grand Chancellor, I recognized the recycled air the moment I was brought inside. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR 
Nick Prigge, I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this production studio operational. No one will dare oppose a remake now.

NICK 
The more remakes you green light, Chancellor, the more remakes will fall by the wayside.

GRAND CHANCELLOR 
Not after we demonstrate the power of this studio. In a way, you have determined the choice of the remake that will be green lit first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the rights to FROM HERE TO ETERNITY, I have chosen to test this studio's power on your favorite movie, LAST OF THE MOHICANS. 

NICK
No! Not LAST OF THE MOHICANS. Please. It's perfect, it's unrepeatable. Who’s been clamoring for a LAST OF THE MOHICANS remake?! No one has! Can’t you just let it be in peace?! 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
You would prefer another remake? A military remake? Then tell us who has the rights! 

The Chancellor waves menacingly at Nick.

GRAND CHANCELLOR
I grow tired of asking this. So it'll be the last time. Where are the rights to FROM HERE TO ETERNITY?

NICK
(softly) 
Inglewood. They’re in Inglewood. I gave them to Jules, our man in Inglewood. He keeps them in a briefcase. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
There. You see, he can be reasonable. (addressing Admirable) Continue with the operation. You may green light when ready.

NICK
What?!

GRAND CHANCELLOR
You're far too trusting. We can’t green light a FROM HERE TO ETERNITY remake until Jessica Simpson has her baby. But don’t worry, we’ll deal with your precious World War Two characters soon enough.

NICK
No! 

INT. GREEN MONSTER – GREEN LIGHT CHAMBER 

A button is pressed which switches on a panel of lights. A JUNIOR EXEC reaches overhead and pulls a lever. Another lever is pulled and a bank of lights on a panel and wall light up. A huge beam of light emanates from within a cone-shaped area and converges into a single beam of green light. 

INT. GREEN MONSTER – CONTROL ROOM 

The screen in front of Nick Prigge and the Grand Chancellor erupts in green light, eventually revealing a LAST OF THE MOHICANS movie poster paired with the logo of the FX television network. 

NICK
FX?! You’re remaking LAST OF THE MOHICANS into a TV show?! (sobs) 

INT. CENTRAL LONDON – DANIEL DAY-LEWIS’S HOUSE 

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS sits in a glorious wingback chair, sipping tea and reading William Wordsworth. His wife, REBECCA MILLER, sits across from him, in an identical wingback chair, also sipping tea but reading Thomas Hardy. Daniel Day-Lewis, suddenly, falters, seems almost faint. 

REBECCA MILLER
Are you all right? What's wrong? 

 DANIEL DAY-LEWIS
I felt a great disturbance in the Force...as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.

FADE OUT

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