Thursday, August 08, 2013

Whine & Cheese (A Short Film, Based On The Social Network By Aaron Sorkin)


INT. MODISH OFFICE – HOLLYWOOD HILLS – LATE MORNING 

The GRAND CHANCELLOR OF HOLLYWOOD, too tan, somehow worn out and pristine at once, drinking Five Hour Energy, sits at his oak desk. A framed “Avatar” poster hangs on the wall, hovering just over his right shoulder. 

JOHNNY DEPP and ARMIE HAMMER burst into the room. Depp is moderately cool. Hammer is flustered.

ARMIE HAMMER 
Good morning, sir. I'm Armie Hammer and this is-

JOHNNY DEPP
Woah, woah, Armie. I make more money than you. My name was first on the poster. We talked about this. 

ARMIE HAMMER
Right, right. Sorry. (gathering himself) Good morning, sir. This is Johnny Depp and I’m Armie Hammer. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
And you're here because... either of you can answer. 

ARMIE HAMMER
Well, we starred together in “The Lone Ranger”- 

Johnny Depp clears his throat. 

ARMIE HAMMER
I co-starred alongside Johnny Depp in “The Lone Ranger.” It was a gigantic flop. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
I understand. And I'm asking what you want me to do about it.

ARMIE HAMMER
Well, sir, this is the deal with American film critics. They’ve been gunning for our movie since it was shut down the first time. I think that’s probably when the most of the critics wrote their reviews. They jumped on the bandwagon- 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
Melissa? 

MELISSA JOAN HART, the Grand Chancellor’s secretary, enters the room. 

MELISSA
Yes, sir?

GRAND CHANCELLOR
Punch me in the face. 

He turns back to Armie Hammer. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
Go ahead. 

ARMIE HAMMER
(shaken)
… and slit the jugular of our film. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
And you memorized that instead of doing what?

JOHNNY DEPP
Grand Chancellor, if I may. I think the reviews were written when they heard we were going to do “The Lone Ranger.” I think the reviews were written seven or eight months probably before we ever released the film.

GRAND CHANCELLOR
Have you tried dealing with the American press directly?

ARMIE HAMMER
Well, we gave a pretty harsh interview that let them know the score of the game. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
You gave an interview to the press complaining about the press?

ARMIE HAMMER
(stuttering)
Well, we let them know who was responsible for it being a flop.

GRAND CHANCELLOR
I don't see this flop as a film critic issue. 

ARMIE HAMMER
Of course this is a film critic issue. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
You enter into a code of ethics with the movies themselves, not with the film critics. 

ARMIE HAMMER
I'm sorry, Grand Chancellor, but what you just said makes no sense to me at all. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
I'm devastated by that. 

ARMIE HAMMER
This isn’t petty larceny. The film critics cost us gazillions in box office! 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
Gazillions?! 

ARMIE HAMMER
Yes. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
You might just be letting your imaginations run away with you. 

ARMIE HAMMER
Sir, I honestly don't think you're in any position to make that call. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
I’m the Grand Chancellor of Hollywood. I'm in some position to make that call. 

ARMIE HAMMER
Letting our imaginations run away with us is exactly what we were told to do in first year film class. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
Then I would suggest that you let your imaginations run away with you on a new project. 

Johnny Depp suddenly becomes very excited. 

JOHNNY DEPP
A new project?! Like what?! “Bonanza”?! “Gunsmoke”?! “Adventures Of Rin Tin Tin”?! “The Honeymooners”?! Oooooh. “The Honeymooners”! (Turing to Armie Hammer) I could be Kramden, you could be Norton. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
What I mean is…something original. Inventing a film is better than basing a film on something already done in the 1930’s. So, I'll suggest again that the two of you come up with a new project. 

ARMIE HAMMER
I'm sorry, sir, but that's not the point. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
Please, arrive at the point. 

ARMIE HAMMER
You don't have to be a cinematic intellectual to understand the difference between a well-made product and a critical agenda. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
And you're saying that I don't? 

ARMIE HAMMER
Of course I'm not saying that, sir. 

JOHNNY DEPP
Well, I'm saying that. 

GRAND CHANCELLOR
Really? 

INT. NON-DESCRIPT MOVIE SET (PROBABLY A WAREHOUSE) – SOFIA, BULGARIA – SIX MONTHS LATER 

VAL KILMER hordes food at the craft services table. JOHNNY DEPP enters. 

JOHNNY DEPP
Can someone tell me where wardrobe is?

VAL KILMER
Sorry, pal. Wardrobe's what you're wearing.

TARA REID
(off camera)
Holy shit. 

Now we see TARA REID. She sits on a can of paint thinner off to the side, smoking a cigarette.

TARA REID
You’re in this fucking movie? 

JOHNNY DEPP
I’m not even sure what movie this is. 

VAL KILMER 
Neither are we. We just show up, they give us some lines, let us block our own scenes, and then we get paid. The title of whatever it is usually starts with a "The".

Tara Reid throws her cigarette aside and walks (wobbles) toward Johnny Depp.

TARA REID
Can I get your autograph, man?

Johnny Depp sighs. 

FADE OUT

2 comments:

Alex Withrow said...

Holy shit man, this is brilliant. It took me 3 reads to get through this, I was laughing so hard.

Nick Prigge said...

Thanks, man! I'm always worried no one is going to like these more absurd posts I put up from time to time, or even get them, so I'm glad you dug it.

I wanted to address that Depp/Hammer interview but, you know, I needed to find my own way to do it.